Beware of Perfectionism - It is nothing but Ego

We all want to be the best, don't we? Whether it is scoring 100/100 in school, being the "Star Performer" at the office, or having the most beautiful home on Instagram. In our modern world, we are taught that "Perfection" is the ultimate goal.

Hence we hear people around us saying, with a slight puff of the chest and a sense of pride, "I’m a bit of a perfectionist"? In job interviews, at dinner parties, or in casual talk, we wear this label like a gold medal. We think it makes us look superior, dedicated, and flawless.

This prideful claim of being a perfectionist is actually a silent cry of an ego that is too fragile to accept the beautiful, messy reality of being human.

Most disturbing part is,  we as a humanity are in no mood to address this problem "Levels of perfectionism have risen significantly among young people over the last three decades, with Socially Prescribed Perfectionism increasing by 33%, Other-Oriented Perfectionism by 16%, and Self-Oriented Perfectionism by 10%. The authors attribute this to the rise of neoliberal meritocracy and competitive individualism, where young people feel compelled to perform flawlessly to feel safe and worthy."

This is what we call the Perfection Paradox.

What is this Paradox?

In very simple terms: The harder you try to be perfect, the less "perfect" your life actually feels.

Think about it. When you chase perfection, you are never happy with what you have right now. You are always looking for that one tiny flaw. Even if you achieve 99% success, that 1% mistake haunts you. So, the pursuit of "everything being good" actually ends up making you feel "not good enough" all the time. Not just that incompleteness or dis-satisfaction, we try to hide that failure because we cant accept our imperfection.  Problem becomes even more serious when this perfection becomes expectation from others. Following are some of the very evident problems

How Perfectionism Ruins Our Peace

The "Disappointment Loop"

When we aim for "flawless" and hit "human," you feel like a failure. Instead of being proud of the 100% effort you put in, you feel discouraged by not so perfect output. 

For Example: Imagine you spent two weeks preparing a big presentation for your boss. You worked late nights, researched every detail, and the presentation actually went great. But, while speaking, you forgot to mention one small data point.

• The Healthy Mind: Thinks, "I did spend effort , did mostly well. Next time there are things to be improved". 
• The Perfectionist: Goes home and loses sleep over that one missed point. They feel like the whole two weeks were a waste. Because the result wasn't "100%," they cannot be proud of the "100% effort" they put in. They feel like a failure, and this discouragement makes them want to quit or work in constant fear next time.

According to research, the link between perfectionism and emotional disorders is robust. correlations between Perfectionistic Concerns are  Depression (0.40), General Anxiety (0.38), Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) (0.43)

Lack of Empathy

This is the saddest part. When we are hard on ourselves, we become "Other-Oriented Perfectionists." We expect our spouse, our kids, or our juniors to be perfect too. If they make a small, accidental mistake, we lose our cool. We forget how to say, "It’s okay, we all make mistakes."

When we are obsessed with perfection, we stop seeing people as human beings and start seeing them as "machines" that should work correctly.

Example: Your spouse is coming home from a long day and forgets to pick up the milk you asked for.

• The Problem: Instead of seeing their tiredness, you see an "imperfection" in your evening plan. You explode or get cold because they "failed" a simple task.

• The Perspective: We forget that humans are like batteries—they must have both a positive and a negative side to function. Expecting a child or a colleague to never make a mistake is like asking a battery to only have a positive terminal. It’s scientifically and spiritually impossible. When we demand perfection, we lose the ability to feel empathy for the accidental mistakes of our loved ones.

According PSDM Framework by Hewitt, Flett, and Sherry "Perfectionists with high Others Oriented Path are critical, demanding, and blaming. This hostile behavior causes others to withdraw, leading to objective isolation"

Burden of Mineness

For everyone of us, there is a feeling called as "This is mine". In the Vedas, this concept is called Mamatva (the feeling of "This is Mine"). 

While everyone of us do have this problem, But perfectionists have a very large "Mamatva." 

Example: 

• "My" child must be the topper. "My" car must be scratch-less. "My" team must never miss a deadline.

• The Result: Because you have attached your ego to so many things, your "surface area for suffering" becomes huge. If your child gets a 'B' grade, you feel personally wounded. You aren't upset for the child; you are upset because "your" image as a perfect parent is tarnished.

The "Sorry" Struggle

If your whole identity is built on being "Perfect," then admitting a mistake feels like "death." It becomes very hard to say sorry or accept criticism because your ego (Ahamkara) feels it will shatter if it's not always right. This is also a common problem for everyone but for perfectionist this is amplified.

Example: You made a calculation error in a report. Someone points it out.

• The Reaction: Instead of a simple "Oh, my bad, let me fix it," you start giving long excuses. You blame the software, you blame the intern, or you say, "I was busy with more important things."

• Why? Because your "Ideal Self" (the perfect mask) cannot have a crack. If you admit you are wrong, you feel the whole world will see you are "not perfect." This makes you defensive and hard to work with.

For most of the relationships whether it is within family or office. This is the biggest blocker. Many us distance ourselves with dear ones just because of our inability to say Sorry or Pardon. 

Fear of Failure

Often perfectionists show fear to try, because failure is something that they cant accept. If you don't try, you can't fail that is the sub-conscious logic the ego uses to stay "perfect."

The Procrastination Trap: Most people think procrastination is about being lazy. But for a perfectionist, it is a defense mechanism. You delay starting a task because the moment you start, you might make a mistake. By waiting until the last minute, you give yourself an "out": "I didn't fail because I'm not good; I just didn't have enough time." It’s a way to protect your ego from the "truth" that you aren't perfect.

Example: Think of a person who wants to start a blog.

• They will spend 6 months "researching" the best writing software.

• They buy the most expensive gear and the perfect chair.

• But they never actually write a post.

• Why? Because as long as they are "preparing," they are still "potentially" perfect. The moment they write, that dream of being a perfect blogger is broken. They would rather be a "talented person who hasn't started" than a "beginner who makes mistakes."

According PSDM Framework by Hewitt, Flett, and Sherry  "Perfectionists with high Social Prescribed Path" are hyper-sensitive to rejection. They anticipate criticism and therefore withdraw preemptively (self-concealment) to protect themselves, leading to subjective loneliness

Why? Let's Understand the Perspective

Lets understand this in both psychology and philosophical perspective

Psychological Perspective

There is a concept called as "Psychological Mirror." Imagine you are standing in front of a mirror, but instead of one reflection, you see two:

1. The Ideal Self (The Filtered Version): This is the "perfect" version of you. In your mind, this person never loses their temper, always finishes work on time, looks great in every photo, and never makes a mistake. It’s like a permanent Instagram filter on your life.

2. The Real Self (The Natural Version): This is the real you. The one who gets tired, forgets where they put their keys, feels lazy on Monday mornings, and sometimes says the wrong thing.

The Paradox starts here: The perfectionist falls in love with the "Ideal Self" and starts hating the "Real Self."

When you look in the mirror, you don't see your progress; you only see the "Gap" between who you are and who you think you should be. The more you try to polish that "Ideal" image, the more painful the "Real" you feels. Psychology tells us that trying to "kill" the Real Self to become the Ideal Self is impossible. It only leads to deep anxiety and a feeling of being a "fraud."

Philosophical Perspective

Psychology says it’s our "Ideal Self"—an imaginary, flawless version of us that we try to protect. In our Indian tradition, the Vedas call this Ahamkara (the Ego or "I-maker").

Our ego loves to feel "special." It tells us, "If I am perfect, I am superior to others." This ego attaches itself to everything "my" work, "my" kids, "my" reputation. Because the ego wants to be infinite and flawless, it tries to force our very human, limited bodies and minds to be like Gods.

But as the saying goes, "To err is human." We are made of the three Gunas (modes of nature)—sometimes we are active (Rajas), sometimes we are dull (Tamas), and rarely are we perfectly balanced (Sattva). Expecting 100% perfection is like asking a human to never breathe it's just not how we are built!

The Counter-Argument: Isn't Striving for Perfection Good?

Now, you might ask, "If I don't aim for perfection, won't I become lazy? Won't my quality of work go down?"

This is a fair question. The pursuit of perfection is what drives a scientist to find a cure, an artist to paint a masterpiece, or an engineer to build a safe bridge. Striving for excellence is necessary for improvement. Without that drive, we would never grow.

But here is the thin line you must not cross:

The problem isn't the aiming; the problem is the attachment. Most of us, when we proudly say, "I am a perfectionist," we are actually talking about the Result. We are saying: "I cannot accept anything less than a perfect output." That is the trap.

The right way to deal with this is to aim for perfection while you are putting in the effort, but to leave the Ego out as soon as the effort is finished.

1. During the Effort: Use the "perfectionist" drive to check your work twice, to research well, and to give your 100%. This is healthy striving.

2. After the Effort: Once the task is done, stop calling yourself a "perfectionist." If the result comes back at 90%, accept it gracefully. Don't let your ego say, "I am a failure because the result is 90%."

The "Strict No" is for the loop of "I can't accept anything less than perfect." If you can't accept a 98% result, you aren't a high-achiever; you are just a prisoner of your own ego.

In psychology , there is a theory called as  "Model of Excellencism and Perfectionism (MEP)." This model distinguishes between:

• Excellencism: Striving for high, attainable standards with flexibility.

• Perfectionism: Striving for flawless, unrealistic standards with rigidity.

Critical Research Finding: Studies testing the MEP have found that Excellencism accounts for the majority of the positive variance in performance, creativity, and well-being. When Perfectionism is added to the statistical model, it provides no incremental benefit to performance but significantly increases distress.   

Conclusion: Perfectionism is "unneeded" for thriving; excellencism is "good enough". This empirically dismantles the argument that one needs to be a perfectionist to be elite

What is the solution

To break the "Strict No" of perfectionism, following should be practiced to imbibe into the personality.

1. Practice "Witness Consciousness"

In psychology, this is called Metacognition watching your thoughts without getting swept away by them. In philosophy terms it is “Sakshi Bhava”

• The Technique: When you make a mistake and your brain starts screaming, "I'm a failure! Everyone will judge me!", don't argue with the thought. Just observe it. Say to yourself: "I am noticing a thought that I am a failure."

• Why it works: It creates distance. You are the "Witness" (Sakshi), not the "Mistake." This stops the ego from attaching the error to your identity.

2. Adopt "Radical Acceptance"

A core part of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), this means accepting reality as it is, without judgment.

Example: You worked hard on a project, but the client gave you a 3-star rating instead of 5.

• Wrong Way: You get angry, blame the client, or feel depressed. Most often wont even try to improve because blame is on the client. “Client is stupid, doesn’t know etc”

• Right Way: Say, "It is what it is." The rating is 3 stars. My effort was 100%. The rating is the client's perspective, may not be my worth. Accepting this doesn't mean you won't improve; it just means you aren't fighting the past. You rather think what did you miss early that can be improvised without feeling let down. 

3. Focus on "Process over Result"

Focus on the process and effort not on the result. This is exactly what Gita talks about "Karmaneyavaadhikaarasya Maa Phalesu Kadachana". 

• Example: If you are a student, your goal should be "I will study this chapter with 100% focus for 2 hours." That is in your control. The goal should NOT be "I must get the highest marks." The marks are the "fruit" (Phala), and as the Gita says, you aren't entitled to the fruit—only the work.

• Daily Hack: At the end of the day, list 3 things you are proud of regarding your effort, regardless of the outcome. (e.g., "I sat for my workout even though I was tired" instead of "I lost 1kg").

4. The "Best Friend" Test (Self-Compassion)

Psychologist Kristin Neff suggests that perfectionists are their own worst enemies.

• Example: If your best friend accidentally deleted an important file, would you call them "useless" or "a failure"? No. You would say, "It happens, let's see how we can recover it."

• The Practice: Use that same voice for yourself. Treat your "Real Self" with the same kindness you show others.

5. Build "Active Empathy" 

Perfectionism makes us harsh judges of others. To fix this, we need to shift from "Judgment" to "Observation.". Use positive intent to coach them towards right result

• The Philosophy (Lokasamgraha): This means "holding the world together." You cannot hold relationships together with a stick of perfection; you need the glue of empathy (Karuna).

• The Technique: When someone else makes a mistake. For example: your child fails a test or a colleague misses a typo—don't take it as a personal insult to your "perfect world."  . There could be three possibilities  

1. It was a one off mistake because "To Err is human", it wasn't lack of effort/intent (or) lack of skill. Then you don't have react at all, rather leave it without making any harsh remarks. Light remark highlighting importance of it is enough. 
2. It was repeated mistake because of lack of effort/intent to correct (or) lack of skill. Then scold them for not showing intent to correct, also guide them on how they can correct in future
3. It was repeated mistake and you already told them before. Understand that they are not fit for that job so correct your expectations. They just cant do that kind of work. In future think on strategies to mitigate this risk (Example: Put tuition or extra monitoring or change subjects etc)

• The Psychological Shift: Move from Conditional Love ("I will value you only if you are perfect") to Unconditional Positive Regard. When you stop demanding perfection from yourself, you naturally stop demanding it from others. This allows you to say, "It's okay, we can fix this together," instead of getting angry.

The next time you make a mistake, don't hide it or feel ashamed. Remember that even the ancient Rishis struggled with their tempers (like Sage Vishwamitra!). Perfection is a mask; being "Whole" is the reality.

Never say "I am a perfectionist with proud voice"

Be proud of your effort. Be kind to others when they slip. And most importantly, allow yourself to be human. True perfection lies in accepting our imperfections.